And Now a Word From The Sponsor

Welcome to my site and thank you for reading. After many times thinking, if only I had a blog, well-- here we are. This blog will feature writings on a variety of topics from roadside food, to leadership in the fire service; politics; culture- gay, straight, and indifferent, my experiences in New York; and much much more. It's my hope that you will find it interesting and that it stirs at least some thought and discussion. I am certain you wont always agree, but that is what its all about right?

Monday, November 10, 2014

An Honored Deal- Addressing America's Veterans Crisis

Few problems facing this country speak about our priorities so clearly as the way we grate our veterans. First, we have asked them to complete more combat tours than should ever be imagined in war with questionable goals and foggy outcomes.  We leave them in those places for years and then fail to provide adequate physical and mental health services upon their return to civilian life.  Finally, our congress fails to pass legislation to address  the challenges faced by so many upon their separation from service-- from a lack of jobs to a VA that is obviously not doing the job it should be.  

The time has come for an "Honorable Deal.". This comprehensive approach to veterans services would address these issues and more through a common sense approach-- leveraging the best solutions from our past to meet the needs of the modern veteran and his/her family.

Part One:  Solve the Housing and Community Problem

Many of our military bases across the United States have vast tracts of underutilized land and space.  In one or two bases per state, utilize these spaces to construct 1,000 pre-fab homes for veterans.  Using modern pre-fab construction, these 400 square foot homes should cost no more than $10,000 to $15,000 per unit.  For families, a larger model, approximately 1,000 square feet would be constructed.  Each of the "transitional housing bases" would be able to support approximately 2,500 people.  In these areas, access would be permitted to outside community directly-- in other words, no gate between the community and the outside, however security would be maintained by base personnel.

These new communities would be constructed using  traditional urban design, meaning a "walk-able" community-- with a few stores at the center, open spaces, and playgrounds.  In addition, a medical center offering veteran's and family services would be constructed in the center of the community.  This facility would also offer mental health services and community meeting space as well as training and educational space for local community colleges, high-schools, tech-schools, and other entities to use.  This design would be standardized across the country, allowing even this facility, which could also be a re-use of existing/abandoned space, to be constructed inexpensively and efficiently. 

Of special consideration would be vacant "big-box" retail outlets in close proximity to the military bases where the housing would be located.  These types of buildings could easily hold all of the services to be offered and would remove a potential blight. 

Part Two: Solve the Jobs Problem

For those veterans moving onto the transitional housing locations, jobs could initially be provided on the base or in the local community government helping address critical infrastructure needs and general community maintenance.  In this case, approximately 50,000 jobs would be needed.  In cases where local governments do not have vacancies or the local military base can not support the work-- five year tax subsidies would be provided to local governments or private employers to hire veterans.  This would be on a temporary basis until the veteran has obtained necessary skills to find full employment (five years or less). In each of the areas where one of these facilities would be located, a local jobs survey would identify key unfilled or undefiled classes of jobs.  Vocational and Technical Training would be provided to meet the needs of that local community.  This training would be supported by a public/private partnership and be open to all local residents-- not just those who are veterans, however veterans would receive an allotment of available jobs and, where feasible, preferential hiring- especially where their skills sets meet the needs of local employers.

Part Three: Solve the Education and Training Problem

At the local community centers would be the opportunity to take classes and training leading to employment.  However, for those not living within the centers, there must be improved access to training for all veterans.  A National roll-out of a veterans and low-income training and hiring program would benefit both veterans and those with little access to essential skills training. As mentioned above, local employers would be surveyed to determine their needs for new employees.  This is a golden opportunity to fill the jobs American employers can't because of a lack of trained and qualified workers. 

Part Four:  Make any Success Sustainable 

Many would be concerned about creating a new government welfare program-- no matter how noble the cause or idea.  For this reason, the communities would have a graded tax structure to fund both the communities themselves and the services they provide.  The start-up costs and expenses for the first  three years would be funded by the federal government.  However, beginning with year three, residents of the communities would pay a 3% flat tax on income earned as a type of "local government residency fee"-- This would increase to 4% in year four and 5% in year five.  If anyone wishes to stay in the community beyond the five year period, they would have to pay into an additional Community Development Fund to help pay for community expansion infrastructure needs, etc.  A critical component of this effort would be keeping costs low-- reducing the need for car travel and including gardens and other sustainable elements to any community design.  The goal will be for families to be able to support themselves on one-income or with one partner working part-time instead of two full-time workers.  This will decrease costs for the family and improve family cohesiveness.

Next Steps:

This is my idea but it is not my problem.  It is OUR problem. If you have suggestions for how we could improve it, please feel free to comment or to share.  If you are a politician and want to do something with it-- that's even better.  But if you think its stupid or unworkable- fine-- what's your idea?  Whatever we do, t has to be sustainable and take into account the big picture.  Too often today, we can't even get little solutions for big problems-- who knows, maybe we an get a big solution for a big problem?

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Some Free Consulting Work for Columbus Fire

As many of you know, I follow events in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio pretty closely,  especially in regards to their Fire/EMS service.  This is partly because I have many friends and family who live there and I care passionately that they get the best possible care in the event they need Fire or EMS services.  It is also because I know of no other city in the US where very simple changes in how Fire and EMS calls are dispatched could have a dramatically positive impact on response times and department effectiveness. 

The most unfortunate part of all is that I am very familiar with the computer system that they utilize to Dispatch (Intergraph) and a related product known as Deccan.  Neither of these tools are being used to their full potential.  I should say I do not think this is because anyone in Columbus is heartless or incompetent. They have some of the best fire and EMS personnel in the US who do great work everyday. 

However, what they lack, is a vision of Fire Service Communications as an integral tool to ensure effective outcomes for public safety. Fire Dispatching there has been seen by many as an ancillary function.  I have been told by one Columbus official that dispatching is about "just following the model" with no room for adjustment; modification or the creative thinking that marks a quality dispatching operation.  That is like saying your star quarterback should never change the play at the line of scrimmage or that you should just stick the direction of the compass, even when it leads you into the swamp. (Thank you Mr. Lincoln)

My experience in our profession has taught me something much different.  That Dispatchers are capable of amazing things when treated like professionals.  When given the skills and the training and the equipment and the authority to do their job, dispatchers can and do make miracles happen.  That is why I love this job and why I am so honored to work where I do-- with a group of people who can and do make that kind of impact every day.  The bitter irony, and another motivation for me regarding this topic, is that I was taught that way of thinking by Columbus Fire Dispatchers that served from the 50s to the 1980s.  They were my mentors and I would love to see the Columbus Division of Fire honor their legacy by reinstalling the same values they taught me long before I ever processed my first 9-1-1 call or made my first relocation. 

So what could CFD do to make things better?  Well, it is simple really...

1) Activate the Deccan product.  Program it to ensure that alerts are provided whenever any area of Columbus is unable to be reached by an Engine Company in (8) Minutes or by two Engine Companies in (10) minutes. When it recommends relocations-- start making them. 

2) Connect the City Intergraph system with the suburban CAD systems ASAP.  Using the same combined unit data table as was developed in the DC area, you can save assigning Automatic Aid units to runs that are not available.  On a related note, build the interface to allow these runs to be transmitted seamlessly, shaving minutes off the dispatching times for these types of runs.

3) Utilize CFD Medic Units for BLS runs if they are within 10 minutes of the run, even if  mutual aid unit is closer.  For example, Medic-29 can take the BLS run at  Meijer on Hamilton Road, even though Medic-133 is slightly closer.  This reduces the on mutual aid units while keeping them available for time critical incidents. 

4) Until the link is built in, adjust the ETAs of Mutual aid units by one minute, due to the delay in them getting dispatched.  This will allow a more realistic and effective response to the border areas.

5) Designate Engine-Rescues as "Rescues" and Heavy Rescues as "Heavy Rescues" in the computer system.  Allow The Engine/Rescues to respond as Engines to fires if they are in the closest three engines.  This will get engines on the scene faster in areas such as Polaris and to use those Engine/Rescues more effectively.  For example, a fire in Polaris would be:  Engine-33; Rescue-111; Rescue-101; Ladder-33 & 111; Heavy Rescue 11; Medic-33 and Battalion-2.

6) End the dual rescue response to auto accidents unless there is clear indication of an extrication or an extrication is confirmed.  Then have the assignment be: (2) Extrication Equipped Units, at least one of which must be a Heavy Rescue.  This would increase availability and save the HRs from responding clear across the city when their services are almost never required. 

7) All CFD units should monitor the primary dispatch channel at all times on at least one radio.  This will help maintain situational awareness of nearby incidents and the need to redirect when required.  The Intergraph CAD can be programmed to recommend the redirection of units-- from one call to another when they may be passing a new call, or when they would be better used at a higher priority event. 

8) During storms, EMS units should respond alone to all but the highest priority medical events.  This will help maintain Engines free for the 2nd call. 

9) In the event that any surplus personnel are available on a shift, they should be provided to the busiest outer medic units as drivers (Medic 32,5, 29, 33, 26, 31, 30, 28, 22, 4)-- thereby keeping the Engines in service for the next run in that area.  It kills response times to have Engines (with medics on board) follow another truck to medic runs instead of saving them for the next call where they will be of much better use.  The new CAD can be programmed for this as well. 

That's my suggestions for now.  Perhaps someone will read them and at least think about them.  Hopefully they do, but they will work for many other agencies as well.

Be safe.

I really just need to stop...

So now the Koch brothers want to destroy Public Transit.  Violence in New York City is totally out of control.  Islamist hordes are waiting to wade ashore on Long Island and kill us all, if Ebola doesn't do it first.  The Supreme Court is destroying whatever scraps of American civilization that will survive the plague and the only way we can survive it all is if we arm ourselves to the teeth with firearms; give money to the ASPCA; and scan children's candy for poison and razor blades come Halloween time.
Whew.  And that was just today.  Is it any wonder in this sensationalized world of media; ADHD; panic; and ignorance that we are overcome by fear.  If this one is elected-- if that one has the right to marry-- if we don't seal the borders- If this one thing happens the world as we know it will simply cease to exist right there in cloud of dust. 

I wonder what they thought on December 8, 1941.  The word had changed in an instant.  The march of Hitler's troops; and Japan's and Italy's had been nearly untapped for four years.  So many nations had fallen by then-- so many terrible images, but not really an American Tragedy. At least not for the masses.  Until that morning after.  That infamy day when FDR would speak to the Nation and our part of WWII would come fully to form. 

The American public was faced then by a real crisis.  They saw into and wrapped themselves around real fear.  And they reacted with honor and purpose.  They came together to defeat the threat.  We always do that in the face of a real foe.  This country, some may say, is at its best when we have to unite to face a problem.  I have seen it here in NYC- during the Blackout; After Superstore Sandy, and on a September 12th thirteen short years ago. 

Maybe those that now try to find their choice of boogeyman in every single situation and event that happens every single day are trying to find that thing to unite us.  Or maybe at least unite us enough to spend money; or give generously to some cause. But I fear it is not with any real purpose other than to react to the prodding fears (or moneyed interests) that call out the latest threat.  It is hard to know the difference for some.  Too many, in fact, do not take the time to look at what are real threats-- and what are just underhanded grasps for more-- more money, more power, more influence; more... more... more. So they buy in.  Not just with their dollars- but with their passion.  And they post on Facebook and they scan the streets for illegals and they finally pick up their dusty bible to use one small part to justify hatred of a few.  They see in everyone they meet the difference. Not the similarities.  And they buy into everything they are told and that they hear but they shut off all available resources to listen or to learn or to understand. 

In this shrill time and in in this even more shrill nation, there are things to be afraid of.  But, for me, it is the question of what kind of world altering event will have to happen to shake people out of this phase.  A God-given slap to mankind.  A message that gets them to stop screaming-- stop worrying about how best to make their money at the expense of other people.  History has done this before.  A Tsunami wasn't enough.  Global Warming isn't enough.  Wars are not enough.  What will it take for us to really arise to the challenge of being a human race, of one people.  That is what I am afraid of.  I guess we shall see.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

A Writer Looks at Forty

I can honestly say that I had no expectations of what this day would feel like.  I remember seeing the high school kids with my third grade eyes. The excitement of knowing someday I would be that tall, drive a car, go to college. I remember starting at Ohio State and eagerly awaiting the day I would graduate.  Those points, like the other end of a bridge, were there... waiting for me.  And they came soon enough.  

But this is a little different.  A milestone without the mountain climb or the hill.  I don't feel like I have crested the wave, or reached a summit.  I suppose it feels more like a long steep incline somewhere on a mountain, above that point where the green fades to grey and the living things move no further.  

I was in Utah for the first time recently.  The mountains around Salt Lake City look as though they were dropped there.  Or carved out of some child's eager efforts to get the highest grade ever achieved in a Geography Class though a use of plaster and food coloring that goes beyond the imagination.  I thought Brigham Young just brought the Mormon faith, perhaps he dropped the peaks as well. They look that out of place and are draw you in just as the young ones do who work so hard to introduce you into the faith. 

I sat for a long time looking at them and the valley and the radiance.  As the sun slipped away that evening, the light shimmered across the flatness, bouncing off the buildings and the glass and the houses and the pavement. It was an amazing sight, and I have to say that I felt at peace.  Like a million Christmas stars over a million mangers.  I knew then why, for so many, it was the place.  

There are not many times that I feel that much at ease anymore.  They come so rarely that I can catalog them-- like great lovers or good books.  Both of which find a spot on the shelf of your memory and remain among the dust and the wood and the yellowed pages of a favorite volume. But seeing those mountain tops and that setting sun, It felt as though I belonged. As though I had accomplished something.  Maybe that's what brings peace now.  When you get so far along a road you just want to know you have arrived somewhere. Someplace calm and inspiring and warm. Even if only for a moment or two. 

I feel peace in his arms too.  Even in the middle of a painful day.  It feels like that mountain.  The light bounces the same way off the sheets and the smile.  And it feels like being inside a cup of hot chocolate on an October Morning just before Halloween.  

Maybe that is the point that is supposed to come into focus as the pages flip on the days of future passed. Maybe its less about feeling accomplished than it is just about feeling. The feeling of the ache in the shoulder that doesn't often go away.  The feeling of loving in a way you didn't think you could.  The feeling of awe at the top of a hill that reminds you of a journey that, at least in some form, is not forever. 

I guess that is the difference.  Forever is a word in the vocabulary of a third grader... I wonder if it is still in mine.  Maybe it doesn't have to be. If we can see the beauty in a million moments that flow together.  Just like the orange drops of light twinkling across the Utah Plateau, or the smile of someone we have waited a long time to see.  

Monday, December 16, 2013

A Heartfelt Apology

Dear __________,

This is a letter that is long overdue.  I honestly didn’t realize how much my actions had impacted you and how my lack of awareness resulted in me saying and doing things that were hurtful.  That this went on for so long is just a sign of how much I needed to grow and mature and become more self-confident. I placed unrealistic expectations, over-the-top demands, and unfair judgments onto your actions.  I punished you for trying and failing—and for succeeding. But now, in the face of new lessons learned, old lessons reinforced, and in the midst of a renewing Christmas Spirit I need to say how sorry I am for how I hurt you.  Sorry for how I abdicated my role as an emotionally mature and stable to adult to outside forces and for the manner in which I reacted rather than observed and used words like wrong or unfair or guilt or shame when I should have stayed silent and just watched without reaction. 

I have always had a suspicion that my efforts to grow would lead me to this action.  They say somewhere in one of those famous steps you are supposed to write letters of apology to those you have hurt.  I understand now why that is such an important step, but also why it is so difficult.  Even to know that you need to is the product of experiences and learning and crying and feeling so lost in the blackness that you wonder if there will ever again be light, much less a way out. 

However, even in the books, they do not tell you to whom the first letter apology is owed. They cannot tell you.  That is a realization which must be lived. It can only be known in those places in your heart and soul where you feel truth.  The places the poet touches or the cello player in a cathedral or that are seen in the deep blue lingering flame of a Christmas Candle.  It is in those caverns where the stalactites are records of ancient truths known but forgotten.  Truths that reveal that the person we harm so greatly—the person who we punish more often and more harshly than any other—is ourselves. 

It is only our own light that we so often snuff out for a moment or a lifetime in the face of fear and sadness and longing.  It is only our own lamp over which we throw a sheet, hoping the neighbors don’t notice the cobwebs and the debris and the decay.  It is only our own potential that we wrap in paper and hide in the back of the freezer like stolen gains of a long ago bank heist.  But, if we are lucky we come to learn that our light is not meant to be hidden.  If we are to be true to who we are—whose we are—our light must be allowed to fill up our own house and be shared with the world.

Only then, when we accept these truths can we know the purpose we have and the role we must fulfil.  Only then will we feel—in those corners of our soul—the most important message of all:  “I may be hurt, but I am not harmed”—lost from our childhood is the lesson that the monsters under the bed are not real.  Instead of living through that power, we too often move the monster out from under the bed into every other part of our lives.  And, fearing that we shall be destroyed or disappointed, we try so very hard to hide from all the places the monster may lie. Slowly, our worlds become full of monsters—and the tsunami of fear overflows everything in its path—most of all—peace.  So whenever we think we are in the midst of the thing that will do us harm- we defend, we “fight” and we react—just the same as the five year old at the parent’s door begging to not have to return alone to the scary blackness of his room. Little does he know how much he will laugh in later years at the story, or how we will repeat the same actions in different ways while wearing a suit and tie with framed souvenirs of success on his walls.  Only the names of the monsters really change. 

Why can the monsters not harm us—whether five or thirty five?  Whether under the bed, in the boardroom or sitting across from us on valentine’s day ending a relationship that never existed in the first place? Because none of it matters.  Not one single solitary bit.  Does that make it right that someone is rude or insensitive—no.  Does it make it okay they use you or don’t call you back or that they will never treat you the way you deserve.  No. But it is something we cannot change. The only hope we can have is to change our reaction to it.  If we latch on and cling to the injury the wound will never heal.  If we let it pass over us like the crashing wave, stop the fight and the bitter longing for control, we will bob along till the next one, and all those after.  And maybe, we will create an environment in which our awareness and the other persons can grow.  Either way, to fight and claw and stammer and stop has no good outcome, no matter what monster, no matter what age. 

But, whom do we punish most of all with our reactive, judging selves.  Our inability to let go. The answer has been this year’s greatest Christmas Gift.  To learn that I have punished myself far too harshly, judged my actions—built my own castle of shame.  Failed to love who I must love first.  And from that unwise step, I have set myself up for so many tragedies, big and small.  The stories of legend.  Not of a superhero saving the kingdom.  But of a king who nearly burned his own castle down, without so much as single arrow from the black knight to show for the battle. 

I suppose I do owe an apology or thank you to more than a few other people.  I was often too demanding in my expectations, especially when their awareness was different than mine.  When their actions failed to meet my expectations, rather than show love, I reacted—hurt and wounded like a sorry animal.  Rather than open and observant like a human.  I am learning now.  I will try to do better.  But to those of you who pushed me along the path, I must also say that I am not saying I was wrong for not ending up with you. I was only unwise in how I reacted to the lesson and experience you offered.  Perhaps if I had been different, things would have turned out different.  Or, perhaps, if you had acted differently, been more understanding with me, then things would have been different.  Who knows?  For the past, is past. 

In this moment I am focused on myself.  On forgiving me for what I have done.  Trying to move forward in a place of peace and awareness and looking at things much more simply.  Does it help me be the better me, then it is something I should do or continue.  If it does not, then I must let it go.  That is what our life requires—to clean out the junk and the clutter of our heart and spirit so that the sun may shine in and so that we may shine out. 

Monday, December 2, 2013


Many of you are aware that I was recently promoted to the rank of Deputy Director, Fire Dispatch Operations, FDNY.  You may also be aware of my passion for helping to develop, and improve the profession that is public safety communications.  However, it would seem to be that, as a leader, in my own agency, I have failed to sufficiently express to some why it is I was so honored to accept this position of leadership and just what I hope to accomplish in my new role. 

If the rumor mill is to be believed, I am in some person's eyes here to sell the soul of our proud organization to the likes of APCO and NENA.  Much in the same way horrid way American soldiers sometimes march under the UN flag.  To others, I am only here to boost myself, on the backs of those who came before or whom I work with now.  To still others, I am only about making efforts to merge us with NYPD and EMS to wipe away the last remnants of what once was. 

That is only a partial list of what I have heard.  And I am over the initial feeling of pain and anger when I became so aware. But it speaks to the challenge that is my role.  The nature of many to fear all things new, or ideas that are misunderstood.  It screams at our human abilities of assumption and judgment rather than communication and discussion.  And, more importantly, it flies in the face of a history that reveals quite clearly what I feel about the agency I work for and those I work with.  But ignoring history is nothing new for far too many.  Operating from positions of distrust, disunity, and dissension is the norm for far too many.  I knew it when I accepted.  I know it now. 

In this format, I wish to answer a question that I have never answered before.  Most will never read this.  But, in truth, it is not for them.  It is for me. 

I am in the role I am in now because I believe that we, as members of the FDNY Bureau of Communications represent much of the best of what a Dispatching Agency can be.  By our efforts we have shown time and time again that professional fire dispatchers can handle nearly any event with effective precision, even if that event is unanticipated. 

But I also know that we are hurting.  No PTSD counseling after Sandy.  No plan to manage the next Sandy.  Facilities that do not meet our needs.  Training and Supervision that do not live up to standards.  Policies and Procedures that do not address the challenges we face.  A workforce that is dispirited, dismayed, and disillusioned after years of change that was not managed well if at all.  The times have changed for our organization.  The environment has changed.  The challenges have changed.  We are just as likely to oversee the response to a building collapse or major emergency as we are a major fire.  And that has not been reflected anywhere in our behavior as an organization.

I see these realities everyday when I go to work and everyday when I watch the news.  Every day when I read about other agencies failing to meet the same challenges and the immense costs of those failures.  These are not invented.  They are not imagined.  They are the after effect of a bureaucracy that looses sight of it mission; a workforce that is undervalued; and a fire department that too often sees Dispatchers in the same category as payroll clerks and managers. 

I want to help change that.  Not later, not in  year, not in a decade: but now. 

There are tools out there to help change that culture.  To help us meet those challenges.  They are found in the lessons from other agencies. In the training and support offered by our professional associations.  In the experiences of our own storied past, from 9/11 to the War Years, to everything in between. 

The women and men of our agency deserve better.  They deserve an agency that blends the best of the old, with the best of those that are here; with the best of what can and should be.  It is my hope to help others see what we can be.  To begin to see what we do as a calling, as a profession, and, by living up to and expressing that vision, teach others to see us in the same light.

We will not achieve greatness as an organization by being smaller versions of ourselves.  By accepting the limitations that have been imposed.  By no longer lighting the desire of passion for being a dispatcher in our newest employees, or keeping the cauldron lit in those that have been on a while.  No, we are at a breaking point.  The events of the last few years have left us battered and bruised and beaten down. 

But I know, from those who have inspired me, that this can be the beginning of something great.  Not because I or anyone else hand it out like so much hallowed candy to beggars in costume. No.  Because a group or proud and dedicated women and men decide that we will live up to and beyond our reputation.  That we will overcome the doubters inside and outside our organization.  That we will not accept what we have been given. 

It begins with each individual taking responsibility for their actions.  And, as a group, taking responsibility for us all.  We speak so often of being a team.  But so quickly put others down.  Say-- That wasn't my fault.. that was his or hers.  Well, are we a team or aren't we?  Are we accountable to each other for what we do?  For how we are?  For how we treat each other.  Too much of the past few years has been not degrading comments from outside-- but from inside.  If we want a better future-- this must stop-- NOW.  For we are all in this together.  And the person you may dislike personally, may be the person that catches a huge mistake and saves us all, or a member of the public.  In truth, each black eye we obtain is not a result of a failure of the one, but of the many.  We are not here to make the best of friends with everyone we know.  Like a firehouse, we are here to be a family.  Looking out for each other. making sure we succeed.  Together.  Always.  If you don't see that thought.  If you don't feel that in the organization. Then your first job is to create that feeling:  In yourself.  It will then carry out into others until we again express the highest ideals of team-work, accountability, resilience, and dedication.  Until those are true for all of us, we are just Lone Rangers corralled into the same tent. And we will fall at every outside effort to tear us down or divide us. 

Something better than that.  Dedication to the public and to each other. Pride in our efforts and our abilities. Accountability for our results (good and bad) and genuine Love for our bother and sister dispatchers.   That is what I want to inspire in each and every soul I work with.  It is also the vision I have for our entire community of Public Safety Communications.  Plain and simple.  Its what I believe.  Its what I get up in the morning. 

You may hate it, you may disagree with it.  Which is obviously your right.  However, I too have a right and an obligation.  Which is to ask you, if not my vision, what is yours?  Is it something we can work through together to understand perhaps different sides to the same coin.  Or is it just holding on to tired beliefs, and immature mindsets.  Is it just saying no out of fear.  Or out of jealously?  

Whatever the results.  However the vision is created, we have learned together that it must be something that brings us forward.  Something that allows us to grow.  As an agency, as an industry, as a passion, and as a profession.  For anything else is what you claim to fear the most.  Death.  Of something you claim to love so much.  The choice is not mine.  I have chosen.  The choice is yours.  Come along on the ship.  Help to steer it.  Help us make a better way.  Or chose to stay safe on the shore.  I know where I will be and, more importantly, I know I will never, ever be alone.  

Friday, November 29, 2013

Lucy and the Football

I have done this before. 
It is a feeling I am familiar with. 
I can see the ball.
So inviting. 
But somehow, its fuzzy-- not quite clear. 
I suppose that is the expected result
Of all the times before 
When the glass was chipped or stained or just neglected. 
But I can squint...just...enough. 
Maybe I do not even see it for real. Maybe I just feel it there.  Twenty or so feet away. 
May as well be another hemisphere.  
But... Once pavlovs dogs howl you no longer have a choice in the matter. 
And you are compelled to try.  Hard as you can to make it different. 
To ensure an outcome unlike the last one, or the one before, or the one before that. Or like that entire page in the planner that read 1999.
So I run.
And I fall. 
The topic doesnt even much matter. For the running and the falling are the same. 
The concept just as painful and the bruise just as deep. 
I dust myself off. 
Search about for the bottle...
Advil or stronger.  Maybe both. 
And I think to myself that there are not too many balls left to kick.  Or maybe there arent too many reasons to try. 
I shake my head. 
Blame myself as I always do. 
Head in hands on the bench. 
No winning field goal kicked. 
Wondering if the ball was ever there in the first place. 
So scared... Too scared... To even think for a minute that it is, perhaps, the games that play me. And not me them. 
I look at the grass stains, the polyp on the ultrasound, the stress pounds above my waistband, the wagging judging fingers questioning my every move, every dream. 
And I just have to wonder about what happens.
When Charlie Brown finally says no.